The Memory Assassin

Don't drink this. Ever.

I woke up Sunday morning warmly enveloped in that haze. My eyes were closed, and, initially, I felt quite comfortable. There seemed to be a soft, natural light warmly decending upon my eyelids, and I had a blanket and a soft place to lay my head. But something was wrong. It started to come to me, slowly at first: pain which led to mystery; mystery replaced by recognition; recognition fading into a general state of confusion, and all finally blending into an unholy cesspool of everything at once.

The headache and stomach pain were my first clues. Then I forced my eyelids apart and gazed down my right arm to an orange colored paper wristband. "Oh yeah, I went bowling last night..." I then looked to my left to see my glasses on the cushion of my friend's couch. "Wait, why am I on my friend's couch? Who covered me with this blanket? What time is it?"

I felt like Jason Bourne, except instead of inexplicably recalling bits and pieces of how to whup somebody's ass I recounted slurring my way through a transaction at the University Village 7-11. Visions of chocolate-covered strawberries, a table full of shot glasses, a dropped case of 312 Lager in the middle of Halstead Street, and MIA's "Paper Planes" on repeat flirted with legitimate remembrance, though all brutally divorced from chronology and context.

"And why the hell is there blood on my knuckles?!"

I blame the rice wine. It tastes terrible, it smells terrible, and the only Western language characters printed on the bottle are as follows: 67% ABV. I hold this ninja assassin of the grey matter completely responsible for my patchwork memory and the last hour or so before I passed out... of which I remember nothing. We're talking zero Kelvin, folks. As absolute as scientifically possible.

Apperently people went home and cops came knocking, all after I exited stage left. I am told I didn't do anything stupid. My Sunday spent in recovery begs to differ.

Here's to the greatest friends, comfy couches, and never truly growing up.